Don't Be Nice Be Real Read online

  “No one can fully love until they are fully real. Don’t Be Nice, Be Real takes important steps toward teaching us how to be real, and therefore how to love.”

  —Warren Farrell, Ph.D. Author of The Myth of Male Power “Thanks for taking Morrie’s inspiration to heart.”

  —Mitch Albom Author of Tuesdays With Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven “I feel like our souls wrote this book together, as I am so aligned with its message. I am privileged and honored to endorse it. It is a breathtakingly original mix of humor, radical wisdom, and new culture spirituality. Superbly written, easy to read, great stories, shatters the illusions that cause ‘self abandonment,’ and unwraps dynamics of freedom and security, the mystery of love relationships.”

  —Stan Dale Founder of the Human Awareness Institute (HAI) “This book is a must-read if you want to move beyond diagnostic categories, and toward the intimacy that comes from genuinely sharing your reality. Kelly Bryson speaks with authority about how to shift from angry defensiveness and control to relationships based on compassionate authenticity.”

  —Brad Blanton, Ph.D. Author of the Radical Honesty series “ Don’t Be Nice, Be Real is probably one of the most authentic books about compassion and relationships I’ve ever read. For the first time ever, there is a book that stands apart from its competitors with its unique philosophy about compassionate selfishness. It may sound like an oxymoron, but believe me, it’s not.”

  —Jennie S. Bev Managing Editor of BookReviewClub.com “In living the principles taught in this simple yet profound book, my life has dramatically improved. I now experience more harmony, more hugging, more laughter, and much more love! Kelly’s style is hilarious and holy—and will convince readers of all ages of the spiritual practicality of putting oneself first.”

  —Diana Loomans Author of Full Esteem Ahead and other books “I found your examples and stories very helpful—they were specific enough that the abstract concept became a real experience. I enjoyed your word play (Cling-On, the Blame that Binds, Non-Rushin’ Orthodox) and your humanness. You showed the readers you’re just like us; we can relate to an author who hurts, says things he may regret, and dares to speak up to meet his needs. It is a book I’ll recommend along with Rosenberg’s when I am teaching and sharing Nonviolent Communication. When I’m in my accommodating mode, I feel the courage to speak up for my needs because you’ve showed me often in the book how it has worked.”

  —Moreah Vestan Author of Pleasures and Ponderings: From Nun to Nudist to Now “Kelly Bryson wrote this book from the experience of a student and a teacher. His personal testimony shows how he walked for miles in ‘nice’ shoes, fell down emotionally, but picked himself up—eventually to help others. There are plenty of sample dialogs to train the reader for verbally expressing the way they feel, without fear of retribution. I recommend this book for all nice people who fear the word, ‘No.’”

  —Judine Slaughter Editor, Express Yourself Books “If you are tired of being one of the ‘nice dead people’ in the world, buy this terrific book.”

  —Lawrence Edward Carter Sr., Ph.D. Founder, Gandhi Institute for Reconciliation

  “Just the title motivated me to order it, but when I went onto your website and read excerpts I was just blown away.”

  —Brother Dale Phillip Administrator, Self Realization Fellowship, Encinitas, California “I really loved your book. I like the way it expressed the Passion side of NVC just as Marshall emphasizes the Compassion side. I love the way it focuses on the importance of being true to oneself first and then we can have compassion for others.”

  —Wes Taylor Nonviolent Communication Trainer, Flagstaff, Arizona

  “The book inspired me immensely. It’s dense with nuggets of different subtleties of the dance of human hearts.” —Stuart Watson, MPA Coordinator, Oregon State Network for Compassionate Communication

  “You are truly a master in your ability to teach empowering communication in any situation. Your workshop opened the door to authentic communication within our department. We now have much more understanding of what is working and what is not working with the communication between team members. You are awesome!”

  —Ken D. Foster Author of Ask and You Will Succeed, Manager, Tony Robbins Research International, Inc.

  “Thank you for writing your book! I was very touched by your sense of humor, vulnerability and your incredible stories—they definitely sparked some personal healing insights for me. I have been recommending the book to lots to friends, colleagues and coaching clients as one of the best personal growth books I have read in a long time (and I’ve been around the block with hundreds of books and workshops over the years!)”

  —Jacqueline Peters Founder, Coaching & Facilitating for Insights that Lead to Results “I am excited by all the ways you are spreading Nonviolent Communication. I have begun reading your book and have recommended it to many others.”

  —Sylvia Haskvitz Nonviolent Communication Trainer, Tucson, Arizona “I am enjoying reading your book. I am recommending it to my friends. The more books like this that are available, the easier my work as a trainer becomes.”

  —Mel Sears Nonviolent Communication Trainer, Seattle, Washington “I found Chapter 15, ‘Beware Of Nice Therapists’ inspiring. It is helping my friend Mary write her dissertation on mental health at the community level and Nonviolent Communication.”

  —Dunia Nonviolent Communication Trainer, Africa “Thank you for the joy of reading Don’t Be Nice, Be Real. I enjoy the tone—your recommendations of things to do to spoil a relationship I find hilarious—and the personal experiences you share. It meets my need for companionship and fun, and helps me to identify feelings that I drowned in an upbringing based on fear, guilt and shame.”

  —Inge Brink Nonviolent Communication Trainer, Denmark “I enjoyed reading your book and found it valuable in enhancing my consciousness of Nonviolent Communication. Your examples, perspective & presentation offered many fresh insights that deepened my understanding.”

  —Gregg Kendrick Nonviolent Communication Coordinator, Charlottesville, Virginia “Thank you for writing this powerful book. I stayed up most of the night reading it (laughing and crying out loud several times) because I want to read it at least twice before I meet with a particular client in about a week. I plan to buy as many books as I can and sell or gift them to my clients. I rarely have ever been so hungry for information—especially in the way that you share.”

  —Surrena Lovell-Hampton Therapist “I thank you for taking the time to write Don’t Be Nice, Be Real. While reading this book, I connected with myself, my needs, and that part of me that is ‘nice’ and not ‘real.’ Your book gave me a deeper understanding of honoring my own self and needs first, which then allows me to give freely to others. A great deal of the anxiety I have suffered over the past five years is gone, and I feel liberated. Thank you for your love and generosity in helping others live their authentic lives.”

  —Mary Morgan Nonviolent Communication Trainer, Orange County, California “Just telling people the title stimulates a whole conversation in that it approaches Nonviolent Communication with backbone (I know I have one somewhere). With your help I’m able to relax and focus on needs and enjoy what life has in store. This is my way of living dangerously (on my way to greater honesty). Your personal experiences and breakthroughs followed by pointing out the principles involved helps me learn by example. It’s like reading adventure stories.”

  —Tim Dolan Nonviolent Communication Trainer, Montana Region “I enjoy again and again how you bring so many of these modern ‘disorders’ in personal and social life to the ‘simple’ point of empathic communication, enlightening more and more not-so-well-known corners of myself. I sincerely hope your book will get widely distributed here in Germany and above all put into practice.”

  —Wilken Agster Nonviolent Communication Practitioner, Germany “I have been feeling scared, frustrated and hopeless, and reading your book is bringing me comfort and hope. Through your honesty I am supported in being more in my honesty. Through reading your experiences and insights, I am able to connect with my kindness for myself. I am beginning to validate my needs so I can be responsible for getting them met, and I then find it easier to feel compassion for my husband. I am grateful to have you and your book for support. I am starting to get what a huge difference this work is going to make in my ability to experience joy and love, and freedom from hurtful, painful behavior. The options that will become available to me are exciting.”

  —Rielle Pelletier Therapist, Orange County, California “So far I have bought three copies of your book. Although I try not to buy into Nonviolent Communication as a religion, I do use your book as part of my daily meditation. I want to invite my wonderful community of friends to experience an alternative method of communicating. Your book’s title challenges the wimpy impression folks may have of compassionate communication. The step by step metamorphosis of your peace journey moved me to tears. It helps me see how to dance between real-life dialogue and under-the-hat work.”

  —Jeanne Smith Teacher, Orange County, California “Only when we understand how to be compassionate with ourselves can we offer compassion to others. In Don’t Be Nice, Be Real, Kelly Bryson analyzes the obstacles that prevent this balance in our everyday lives.”

  —Gehlek Rimpoche Author of Good Life, Good Death Incarnate Lama of largest Tibetan monastery (Drepung Monastery) “The values inherent in loving community are beautifully set forth in Don’t Be Nice, Be Real. I bought several copie
s. My wife and I both think it is fantastic!”

  —Matthew Bullock Octogenarian Reader, Santa Barbara, California “This book is so full of clarity and fun. It reaffirms all I have been learning and teaching in Nonviolent Communication, with new insights galore! Thank you heaps!”

  —Martine Algier Nonviolent Communication Trainer, San Francisco, California “This book feels very authentic and close to life. It starts with examples of how to communicate nonviolently in our society, and moves toward a philosophy of utopia at the end. A German friend was very moved by reading just the first chapter. He could absorb no more, recognizing how he became ‘nice’ when staying at the home of his parents, who are dreadfully nice.”

  —Annette Deyhle Ph.D. Research Scientist, Scripps Institution of Oceanography “Learning to speak my heart fully without blame or shame, and learning to reach into the experience of another through empathy— these have been two great gifts of Nonviolent Communication.”

  —Vicki Robin Co-author of Your Money or Your Life “Thanks for your great book and inspiration. What you have shared with me has been very, very important in working with my psyche. Everyone needs a copy of your book. I keep promoting it in my classes and online. One step at a time for humankind.”

  —Gururattan Kaur Khalsa, Ph.D. Author of The Destiny of Women Is the Destiny of the World “A moving and inspiring book. I love your personal sharings—it makes the content more real, and models showing one’s vulnerability. The narrative is more story and less dry, overly-organized textbook. The first ten chapters cover sixteen core ideas of Nonviolent Communication. Chapters twelve through fifteen are each a world of healing—loved them!”

  —Joel Rosenfeld, Ph.D. Professor of Psychology, Golden West College, Huntington Beach “I am enjoying your book Don’t Be Nice, Be Real very much. It is filled with deep insights and unusual ways of expressing ideas that grabbed my attention and made them really sink in. I just finished reading Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication. It complements yours very well. Dr. Rosenberg’s book is written more from the perspective of the perpetrator, whereas yours is written more from the victim perspective. Both I can very well identify with. Thank you!”

  —Gisela Sommer Nutritionist, Orange County, California

  Don’t Be Nice, Be Real

  Balancing Passion for Self With Compassion for Others

  by Kelly Bryson, MFT

  www.languageofcompassion.com

  Published by Elite Books

  Santa Rosa, CA 95404

  www.EliteBooks.biz

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

  Bryson, Kelly. Don’t be nice, be real : balancing passion for self with compassion for others / by Kelly Bryson. -- 2nd ed. p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-1-60070-065-1 1. Assertiveness (Psychology). 2. Self-actualization (Psychology). I. Title.

  BF575.A85B79 2004

  158.2--dc22

  2004013814

  Copyright © 2010, Kelly Bryson

  The song “Covert War” on p. 12 is copyright © 1991 David Wilcox and is used by kind permission of Irving Music, Inc., and Midnight Ocean Bonfire Music. The following songs are copyright © 2002 Ruth Bebermeyer and are used with her kind permission: “When I Come Gently” “Given To” “Words Are Windows” “I Don’t Want To Do That To Me Again” “I Can’t Be in Touch With You.”

  Nonviolent Communication(sm) is a service mark of the Center for Nonviolent

  Communication, which may be reached at www.cnvc.org. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise, without prior written permission from Sparrowhawk Publications, with the exception of short excerpts used with acknowledgement of publisher and author.

  Cover by Victoria Valentine

  Interior design by Authors Publishing Cooperative

  Typeset in Skia and Book Antiqua

  Printed in USA

  Second Edition

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  CONTENTS

  Foreword. . . 10

  Acknowledgments. . . 11

  1.Don’t Pay the Price of Being Nice. . . 13

  2.Perfecting Your Selfishness . . . 37

  3.Feeding Your Attention Hog . . . 45

  4.Filling the Hole in the Soul . . . 55

  5.The Duty Giver . . . 59

  6.Confessions of a Cling-on. . . 67

  7.Do You Want to Be Right or Have Meaningful Relationships? . . . 77

  8.Healing the Blame that Blinds. . . 87

  9.From Fighting Fair to Fun Fighting . . . 97

  10. The Ecstasy of Empathy . . . 135

  11. The Danger of Deserve. . . 155

  12. The Myth of Motivation . . . 161

  13. Compassion Under Fire—Hot Talk in Hot Spots . . . 183

  14. Becoming a Non-Rushin’ Unorthodox. . . 211

  15. Beware Of Nice Therapists. . . 225

  16. Our Culture Doesn’t Work Anymore. . . 245

  17. Creating the New Culture . . . 287

  The Author and His Work . . . 317

  Foreword

  by Marshall R. Rosenberg, Ph.D. Founder, Center for Nonviolent Communication In one of my favorite plays, “A Thousand Clowns,” the lead character Murray tells the social workers who have come to force his nephew to attend public school, “Before I give him over to you I want to make sure he won’t learn how to become one of the nice dead people. I want to be sure he’ll know when he’s chickening out on himself.” I believe “nice deadness” is the result of the education necessary to maintaining a Dominator economy and culture. Kelly Bryson’s book gives practical tools for recognizing when we are “chickening out” on ourselves and for bringing ourselves back to life. In his humorous way, Kelly gives examples and techniques for applying Nonviolent Communication to connect compassionately with ourselves and others.

  Kelly’s book shows that as we affirm the beauty of our own needs we greatly increase our power to meet the needs of others with great joy. It also describes concrete, masterful ways to negotiate our needs with caring, compassion and consideration for others.

  In the play, Murray goes on to tell the Powers that Be: “I want him to get to know exactly the special thing he is or else he won’t notice it when it starts to go. I want him to know the subtle, sneaky, important reason he was born a human being and not a chair.” None of us will know that special thing we are as long as we allow the fear of conflict to keep us hiding behind our “mask of nice.” The principles and skills of Nonviolent Communication described in the book can help us overcome that fear and begin to experience that subtle, sneaky, important meaning of being authentically and divinely human. And as we embrace this authentic divinity more and more, we can contribute to creating a culture of compassion that can truly serve us all.

  Acknowledgments

  First and foremost I would like to acknowledge my sweet spiritual partner Debbie. I appreciate her patience as I spent so many late night hours at the computer, for her support in both hearing and reading my ideas ad nauseam, for her consistent, complete, compassionate caring for our daughter Mataya, and for totally taking care of the household so I could write. I also appreciate her steady stream of warm affection, understanding, and courage in the crazy times.

  I acknowledge my little Mataya, who some day will be able to read this, for all the loving, sparkling, refreshing energy her presence provided me in play breaks from my hours of writing.

  I am forever grateful for tons and tons of inspiration, love, direction, understanding, wisdom, modeling, and attention from my precious teachers. I have special appreciations: For Dr. Marshall Rosenberg for teaching me how to “perfect my selfullness” in a way that increases my contribution to others; for the late Virginia Satir for seeing me as her “Wonderful One”; for John Bradshaw for helping me heal from my childhood wounds; for Stan Dale for helping me see the divine nature of my potency; for Danaan Parry for inspiring my inner “Warrior of the Heart”; for Robert Johnson for helping me “own my gold”; for Param Hans for showing me the power of “satsong”, and for Rollo May for inspiring my own “courage to create,” for Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol for expanding my mind, and Riane Eisler for showing me the profound importance of restoring respect for the feminine.